Things Gays Shouldn’t Have

Inspired by bigotry, I writeth this note.

Things Gays Shouldn’t Have
1. Marriage. Marriage is a long-standing institution, and allowing gays to marry goes against its many traditions. Traditions like treating women as property, marriage only within the same race or religion, no divorce, and so on. Straight marriage only! Once you allow gays to marry each other, you’ll have to allow people to marry animals, and then you’ll have to allow gay people to marry gay animals, and the next thing you know, we’ll all be legally required to marry gay animals, even if you’re not gay!
2. Votes. If you let them vote, they start gettin’ ideas and want to change things so they’re all… gay. While we’re at it, let’s go back to the good old days where blacks and women couldn’t vote, either. All right, I’ll reverse my position slightly: gays, women, and blacks can all vote if they pass simple little a test at the poll.
3. Public gayness. I ain’t got nothin’ personal against gays, I mean, I got gay friends. But if you’re gonna choose to be gay, be gay in your bedroom. At all other times, just act like normal people. I don’t want to see you holding hands or kissing. And just to be sure there’s no confusion, sisters shouldn’t be able to hold hands, fathers shouldn’t be able to hug their sons, stuff like that… basically we should ban all public same-sex touching, because I don’t want anyone *looking* gay, because then kids will think it’s okay to be gay.
4. Public restrooms. I get the heebie jeebies when I’m standing at a urinal and some other guy is next to me–he might be a gay and looking at my… stuff! In fact, I don’t like the idea of using a urinal that a gay has used. Doesn’t matter if the gay is a man or a woman, I don’t want them using my urinal. They can have special, segregated bathrooms. Except the gays are generally neat and tidy, so maybe we should have them clean the straight bathrooms, those places can get really gross.
5. Cell phones. I don’t want to be walking through the parking lot at the sporting goods store and overhear some gay talking to a friend about what a fabulous party he was at last night. He’s gettin gay-talk all over my American airwaves! I’m sure there are gay cell phone waves beaming through my head right now and it’s making me sick! Hello, it’s AT&T, not Gay-T&T, get your own phone network already! Or at least stick to land lines so your gay messages go through underground cables where they can’t bother decent folk.
6. Rainbows. When the sun comes out after a rainstorm I see a rainbow and I can’t help thinking about gays because they own the rainbow! Give the rainbow back to leprechauns and prisms like it used to be in the good old days. I live in Seattle and I see a rainbow like every other day, and that’s just too much gay in my life.
7. Driver’s Licenses. Gays are like women, therefore they can’t drive and shouldn’t be allowed on the road. Okay, maybe we’ll let them drive their Miatas in the slow lane so I don’t have to be near them when I drive by in my SUV.
8. Jobs. There are so many unemployed Americans right now, thanks to Obama’s economic policies that got us in this mess, that if we made it illegal for gays to have jobs, that would free up millions of jobs that honest, hard-working, straight Americans could take–jobs in Hollywood, fashion, and home decorating. I want to see more ruggedly manly movies and TV shows like Rocky, models that have boobs instead of these twigs, and a return to the traditional decorations like animal heads on the walls and animal-skin rugs.
9. Children. Gays shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. No gay adoption, I’d rather those orphans or whatever grow up in foster care than give them to a family that will raise them as gay, they’re better off in foster care than in “gay care.” And if a gay somehow has a kid of their own–though I don’t see how this is possible, what with the gayness and all–they should be taken away as soon as the government realizes the parent is a gay, and not allowed contact with the gay. Because if there’s one thing the government is good at, it’s raising kids.

Well, that’s how I feel.

— Sean K Reynolds
(yes, this is satire)