Gamer Talk: A Female-Friendly Campaign

What with all the #gamergate gaming misogyny in the media recently, I thought I’d address the issue from a tabletop perspective:

How can gamers make tabletop gaming friendlier for female players?

If you’re a guy, here are some things to think about if you have a woman (or girl) in your group, or would like to not drive them away.

Don’t talk about the woman’s clothing. The teenage daughter of a friend of mine in the gaming industry joined a gaming group that was all teenage boys. Eventually she was told that she wasn’t allowed to wear tight clothing to the game because it was distracting. Eventually she was also told that she wasn’t allowed to wear loose-fitting clothing because it was distracting (not loose-fitting as in “I can see down your shirt,” just regular clothes). Seriously.

Don’t talk about the woman’s appearance. It’s not relevant to the game, and she almost certainly isn’t doing anything to her appearance because she wants you to complement her.

Don’t make rape an element of the campaign. At a Gen Con “DM horror stories” panel one year, a female gamer said the DM had her female character raped and impregnated by drow elves and she was forced to carry the pregnancy to term. Seriously.

Don’t make sexual harassment a part of the campaign. NPCs don’t need to hit on the female player’s character just because she’s there.

Don’t imply, suggest, insist, or demand that sexual favors (or dressing in a revealing way) from the woman are required in order for her to be allowed to game, or that such things would give her an advantage compared to other characters, or that her character only survives/is successful because of the promise or delivery of such things to the GM or other players. Seriously, it happens.

Don’t make sex or birth control a part of the campaign. If the female player wants her character to have anything to do with that, she’ll let you know. Her gender is not an excuse to introduce it. This also means don’t mind-control her character (even with charm person), don’t put her character in situations where she’d be drunk with a male, and so on; it’s a problem if you do it in real life, it’s a problem if you do it in a game.

(And if your response to that previous pointis, “oh, it’s just a game,” you need to realize that every woman probably has been sexually harassed, followed, or groped at some point in her life, and possibly has actually been raped. You are not a therapist, and you don’t get to decide that a player should just “roleplay through” their issues. If you have a friend whose brother was decapitated in a car accident, you wouldn’t make decapitation an element of your campaign.)

Don’t create a promiscuous pregen character for the female player. If she wants to play a promiscuous character, she’ll make that choice.

Don’t use the word “rape” in any context other than a sexual violation. In other words, don’t say, “man, we totally raped those orc bandits!” It’s offensive. It’s disgusting. It’s hurtful to anyone who has been raped, and to most people (particularly women) who live with the threat of rape on a daily basis. Just don’t use that term in a casual way. Yes, historically it also has other meanings, but in modern use it’s not really used for that any more. Just add it to your list of words that shouldn’t be in your casual vocabulary. You’re a grown-up, you can be considerate of other human beings.

All of above goes for the other players as well as the GM. Don’t let the other players introduce any of the above to the campaign. If the GM has a barbarian in the inn grope a female player character, the GM is a jerk. If a fellow player has his character grope a female player character, that player is a jerk. And so on.

Also, don’t assume that the woman doesn’t know the game. She might have been playing longer than you have. If she’s new to the group, the person who invited her to the group should have an idea about how much she knows about the game, and be responsible for answering any rules questions she might have.

Basically, don’t be a jerk. Treat everyone at the table like they’re human beings with feelings.

Talk to your players before the game, whether they’re men or women. Talk to them one-on-one (in person, via email, whatever), so they don’t feel pressured by the presence of other players. Get to know the players and the limits of what they’re comfortable with. If you want a “dark” or “adult” game, make sure the players are okay with that. Gaming is a shared storytelling experience, and it’s supposed to be fun. Don’t create a situation that’s fun for you but is going to be uncomfortable or traumatic to another player.

Relevant side point: My upcoming book Goody White’s Book of Folk Magic has spells that deal with pregnancy and fertility. And I include this statement in the book: “Before you introduce pregnancy themes to your campaign, discuss it with your players and make sure that everyone is comfortable. Above all, don’t be that jerk GM who decides that a sexually active female PC must become pregnant (as part of the campaign storyline or for any other reason).”

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37 thoughts on “Gamer Talk: A Female-Friendly Campaign

  1. As a female gamer I think that there is a certain attitude towards female gamers as I have been called a C*nt just for telling a guy that grave robbing childrens graves was against the good alignment and said if he did it he would have to go true neutral and change deities. My game my rules right? Anyway. But I despise the over use of misogyny. I hate it. Its over used. When I am treated like a female that does not belong and not a gamer I utilize my vocalization skills and give the what for. I choose to not play the victim card. We are only victims if we let ourselves be. They are nerdy guys. We can handle them. Or at least we should be. Tell em to shut up, tell em to grow up find a new group, vocalize how it makes you feel don’t run to some womens rights group and notify the media some nerdy guy was mean to you. What should be said is “Women stand up for yourselves and DON’T LET THEM TREAT YOU POORLY. We are women not babies.

      • Really? You support the idea that women who talk outside the original situation are “playing the victim card”? This woman is being extremely rude to many other women, and she is using the “don’t play the victim card” idea to try to get women to avoid talking in the larger arena about legitimate widespread problems. She’s also basically advocating that men refrain from speaking up against bad behavior by other men, because women are babies if they can’t handle it all on their own. I suspect that’s not what _you_ mean–that you are just responding to the “encouraging people to stand up for themselves” ethos and didn’t think through the implications of everything Carodwen said. I very much hope that’s the case.

      • “Really? You support the idea that women who talk outside the original situation are “playing the victim card”?”

        I don’t think that’s what she’s saying. She said:

        “I choose to not play the victim card.”

        Which is true, she’s not.

        “We are only victims if we let ourselves be.”

        This is also true. If you are a woman, and you are in a situation where a gaming group is being you poorly because you are a woman, you can speak up about it, tolerate/accept it, or leave. Option #2 is letting yourself be a victim.

        “They are nerdy guys. We can handle them. Or at least we should be. Tell em to shut up, tell em to grow up find a new group, vocalize how it makes you feel don’t run to some womens rights group and notify the media some nerdy guy was mean to you.”

        I interpreted her above statement as, “you could (A) confront the people causing the problem in the game, or, INSTEAD of that, you could (B) not say anything and go complain to a women’s rights group about it.” (There’s also (C), confront them and let others know about it.)

        “She’s also basically advocating that men refrain from speaking up against bad behavior by other men,”

        I didn’t get that impression at all from what she said. I admit that she IS saying, “women, stand up for yourselves.” I can see how you might interpret what she said as, “don’t wait for a man to defend you, defend yourself,” but I don’t get a sense of “men, don’t bother speaking up about this sort of behavior because the woman should do it herself.” Just because a woman is willing to fight for this cause doesn’t mean she doesn’t want male allies.

      • 1.
        “Really? You support the idea that women who talk outside the original situation are “playing the victim card”?”
        I don’t think that’s what she’s saying. She said:
        “I choose to not play the victim card.”
        Which is true, she’s not.

        >> “I choose not to play the victim card” implies that those who don’t act the way she does–namely, speaking up _and_ succeeding in taking care of the situation on the spot by oneself without talking elsewhere — are “playing the victim card” and thus are not acting the way she thinks they should. It denigrates those who need to solve the problem another way. Further, I’ve seen “don’t play the victim card” routinely used in an attempt to humiliate people who talk about legitimate issues in a public forum — it’s used in an attempt to silence people who’ve experienced bad things and are trying to prevent those things from happening to others. The phrase is rude and dumps on people who have bad things happen to them and have the temerity to talk about it and try to achieve change.

        2.
        “We are only victims if we let ourselves be.”
        This is also true. If you are a woman, and you are in a situation where a gaming group is being you poorly because you are a woman, you can speak up about it, tolerate/accept it, or leave. Option #2 is letting yourself be a victim.

        >> I think there are quite a few rape victims who think otherwise. Listen, it’s a horrible phrase. It shouldn’t be used. It’s not at all true.
        >> Within the more relevant gaming scene, “Leave and find a new group” is often not an option outside of big cities, and it’s not an option at a con with uniform time slots. In those cases, the option is “leave and don’t play (either “don’t play face to face in our area” or “too bad it’s too late to get into another game this slot”). “Leave and don’t play” is not a “victimless” outcome–it’s an outcome in which the other folks get to keep playing and you don’t. “Speak up about it” is great, but I’ve certainly spoken up just to have people behave even worse to me, which is also not a “victimless” outcome. I fight back, absolutely, but it’s not always nearly as simple as she makes it out to be.

        3. “They are nerdy guys. We can handle them. Or at least we should be. Tell em to shut up, tell em to grow up find a new group, vocalize how it makes you feel don’t run to some womens rights group and notify the media some nerdy guy was mean to you.”
        I interpreted her above statement as, “you could (A) confront the people causing the problem in the game, or, INSTEAD of that, you could (B) not say anything and go complain to a women’s rights group about it.” (There’s also (C), confront them and let others know about it.)

        >> Apparently she hasn’t had to handle the nerdy guy who lifts weights every day and talks about the rape kit he has in his car. Honestly, it goes beyond “mean.” I’m truly glad “mean” is all she’s had to deal with–and I do mean that. See #2 for the rest of my comments on this.

        4.
        “She’s also basically advocating that men refrain from speaking up against bad behavior by other men,”
        I didn’t get that impression at all from what she said. I admit that she IS saying, “women, stand up for yourselves.” I can see how you might interpret what she said as, “don’t wait for a man to defend you, defend yourself,” but I don’t get a sense of “men, don’t bother speaking up about this sort of behavior because the woman should do it herself.” Just because a woman is willing to fight for this cause doesn’t mean she doesn’t want male allies.
        >> She’s calls women “babies” if they can’t handle the situation without allies. I do think a strong implication is that men don’t need to bother being allies, because women ought to be able to handle it themselves. In any case, I have spoken up (re: “rape kit” guy on that subject) at a game con, gotten laughed at by two men, and had every other man in the room stay silent. We need more than women standing up for themselves by themselves. Talking outside the original situation is not “being a baby” or “playing the victim card.” It is standing up for yourself AND others. Her approach helps herself, but it helps others to a far smaller extent than does speaking up for yourself in the wider arena, which for very serious situations should indeed included women’s groups and the media.

      • Sean: “This is also true. If you are a woman, and you are in a situation where a gaming group is being you poorly because you are a woman, you can speak up about it, tolerate/accept it, or leave. Option #2 is letting yourself be a victim.” [BTW nice typo, me… clearly I meant “treating you poorly.”)

        anatu13: “I think there are quite a few rape victims who think otherwise. Listen, it’s a horrible phrase. It shouldn’t be used. It’s not at all true.”

        Notice I was specifically referring to a gaming group’s behavior, meaning their verbal behavior. You lost me when you made a rape comparison. I think you’re blowing this out of proportion.

        Don’t suggest that *I* think a rape victim “lets herself be a victim.” It’s horrible to suggest that I even think that. It is, however, a really good way to (1) alienate someone who is your ally, and (2) shut down a conversation.

      • Don’t suggest that *I* think a rape victim “lets herself be a victim.” It’s horrible to suggest that I even think that. It is, however, a really good way to (1) alienate someone who is your ally, and (2) shut down a conversation.
        >> My apologies–I don’t even remotely think you or Carodwen think that and didn’t mean to imply it! I am so incredibly sorry! I was trying to point out why “We are only victims if we let ourselves be” is a very rude phrase and hits many people the wrong way. Outside of the rape situation–again my apologies for the analogy–I do think I succeeded in explaining how the three choices Carodwen offered can, all three, still result in a bad outcome for the woman. Thus, still, one can have a poor outcome/”be a victim” regardless of whether one wants to be or not. It is still not always a matter of choice even within simply verbal behavior at the game table.

      • Anyway, to be clear, I think Carodwen is the person who’s saying very rude things, not you. I’m trying to explain why the phraseology Carodwen can be very objectionable to many other people. I’ve been in some pretty awful situations in game convention settings, and I speak out fairly publicly about it, and I don’t appreciate her saying that what I do is “playing the victim card” or being a baby when I am trying to help solve entrenched problems at larger scale, and putting myself at risk to do so.

      • Apology accepted! (Technically, no apology necessary because I believe you when you say you say you didn’t mean to imply that.)
        And I didn’t mean to imply that a woman should always confront this sort of verbal aggression; in many cases, leaving may be the better option. You don’t have to state the actual reason why you’re leaving; a “I just got a text that my Marine boyfriend broke up a knife fight in a bar, I need to make sure he’s all right” is good or better for an easy exit than, “you guys are all sexist jerks.”

      • And as for your second reply, I think nobody should assume there’s a one-size-fits-all solution to this problem. Education is part of the solution. Having a safe support structure (like at a convention where the organizers shouldn’t tolerate this behavior) is, too. As is sometimes knowing when an offender is just being ignorant rather than malicious, and speaking to that person about the problem.

      • Thanks so much–I really appreciate it. (And I do think my apology to you was necessary!)

        I definitely agree re: often issues are due to ignorance rather than malice. Speaking up is important, and I am tremendously grateful to you for doing so on a broad scale with this article. Thank you!

    • That’s great that you feel comfortable speaking up. A lot of people don’t. And having to confront people — especially people I don’t know well — in a gaming group about being misogynistic assholes shouldn’t be the price of admission just to play a game simply because I’m female. What works for you works for *you* — it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution that all women must follow or be “playing the victim card.”

      When I show up to play, I show up to *play*. Not to be people’s mommy and teach them manners, not to give them a Not Being A Sexist Douchebag 101 crash course, and not to “use my vocalization skills” and “give them the what for.” I don’t owe them anything, including an education. If I have to do any of that, they’re not people worth playing with.

      And yeah, actually, if it’s a regular occurrence in an organized play program or on a forum or similar service, maybe gaming media and women’s gaming and networking groups DO deserve to know so they can notify their members not to participate in the program, and lobby for the people in charge to set stricter rules for what’s allowed.

      It’s not my responsibility to teach them: it’s their responsibility not to be jerks.

      Again, it’s a GAME. It’s supposed to be FUN. The fact that I’m female shouldn’t mean that I have to jump through extra hoops and lecture people just to be allowed to play without harassment.

      • Thanks, Jessica; I fully agree. Some (NOT ALL) men will only really listen to other men. I’ve been in situations where I get laughed at when I speak up (about very serious stuff) in a group of men. I’ve been employing those “vocalization skills” to get the peers of the men in question to speak up instead of sitting on their arses when the folks in question are being horrifically inappropriate. It’s been extremely effective.

        Further, speaking up outside of the original situation is NOT “playing the victim card.” It instigates change at a level that affects a much wider circle than does speaking up only at the personal level, where you may be establishing good behavior only toward yourself but not others.

      • Then don’t be their mommy. Go find other people to play with. We either roar or we have everyone coddle us and assume we are not strong enough to speak for ourselves WHEN IT HAPPENS. If you would speak up when it happens and tell them to go fck themselves from the get go we wouldn’t need these articles. At what point do we speak for ourselves instead of having people do it for us, treating the non offenders like offenders in the process. I’m tired of the double standards. If they are 15, immature boys then you should have the commons sense that the word boobies will make them giggle. They don’t need lectured on what to say and not to say to a woman. Hell by the standards of most womens groups men are better off looking down and not saying a daggum word to a woman. You choose to sit around and listen to it. For there sake of what? Having a pity story to share with people or play a game? No. You can always choose to find a different group. Billions of people in the world. Go find some that likes you as a human and nothing more. But treating all men like they are babies that are not capable of living without an article teaching them how to be a man (which btw is no less than being a mommy) is just annoying. I would rather roar. Treat me like im a pair of boobs and I will throat punch ya and find a new group and stand up when you are mistreated. Always. But do not think its ok to write an article for all men or make men take a class because somewhere down the line we stopped roaring in the moment. I do not need to further this conversation. As with all opinions you are not obligated to like it or even agree with it but nothing. Absolutely nothing you or anyone else says will make me change my mind. Far as I’m concerned all this feminism is suffocating the rest of the world and making me feel like less of a woman. I wonder when they will write an article teaching people how to be tolerant to the fact not everyone is going to like them but it doesn’t mean we have to stick around them and it really doesn’t mean that we need to create a class. article or law to force them to do so (its un-american(for the non americans its also inhumane) at some point to force people to believe as we do). Great big world out there. We can go find our own little piece of it where the hateful ones are not. Take care and blessed be.

      • I think we can accept that each of us is going to have a different nuance to this issue, and let it go. It’s not one-size-fits-all, and it’s not like you’re being forced to game with each other. :)

      • “Again, it’s a GAME. It’s supposed to be FUN. ” Honestly if they are being assholes block them and move on. there are a million other groups you can run with. We are not so weak that we have to have a social justice campaign speak for us. By god im a woman ill speak up myself. I have back bone and i can give them my whatfor. I dont need some internet anon group to do it for me. Sorry

      • Carodwen, not everyone is as strong as you. A lot of people would appreciate a stronger effort to drive this crap out of gaming, instead of relying on individual women to decide whether or not they feel safe to speak up.

      • Really, some of us care about other people, not just about ourselves, and are strong enough to speak out for other people as well as for ourselves. It’s a lot easier to win this fight if we work together instead of insisting that every woman fight in isolation for herself, and if we recruit men to speak up with us. Women are fairly outnumbered in this setting. People’s behavior does change when they begin to face enough pressure, especially peer pressure for better behavior.

  2. Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Pagan Chick and commented:
    As a female gamer I think that there is a certain attitude towards female gamers as I have been called a C*nt just for telling a guy that grave robbing childrens graves was against the good alignment and said if he did it he would have to go true neutral and change deities. My game my rules right? Anyway. But I despise the over use of misogyny. I hate it. Its over used. When I am treated like a female that does not belong and not a gamer I utilize my vocalization skills and give the what for. I choose to not play the victim card. We are only victims if we let ourselves be. They are nerdy guys. We can handle them. Or at least we should be. Tell em to shut up, tell em to grow up find a new group, vocalize how it makes you feel don’t run to some womens rights group and notify the media some nerdy guy was mean to you. What should be said is “Women stand up for yourselves and DON’T LET THEM TREAT YOU POORLY. We are women not babies.

  3. Yes, thank you. I second all of this! (Also, what exactly was the teenage girl in your first example supposed to wear? A burqa?)

  4. The only one I disagree on is the Charm Person/mind control bit. If the character is a logical target because of their stats, tactical positioning, or social connections, yeah, go for it. (If the Charm/Control effect is going to be used to cross any of the other lines laid out in this article, then don’t do it.) Just keep in mind that losing control of a character is bound to cheese off ANY player.

    • True, although I meant it as, “they cast Charm Person on you, that means you treat them as a ‘trusted friend and ally,’ and that means you want to have sex with them.” Which is inappropriate.

  5. This is an absolutely fantastic article–thank you so much!

    Refraining from having any NPCs ever hit on characters can be limiting, but that is easily solved simply by talking to players ahead of time, determining what they are comfortable with, and asking them to let the GM know if anything gets uncomfortable.

    One of my GMs had a hilarious character who hit on all the female PCs, but the GM knew how to handle that without going overboard. The PCs’ reactions to the NPC were interesting roleplaying opportunities. The GM was able to handle it without seeming like he himself was trying to hit on actual players, he was careful to remind folks to let him know if it got uncomfortable, the NPC didn’t press his case too hard with anyone, and the NPC wasn’t present very often, which would have become irritating. Further, this was a long campaign, and there was the occasional female NPC who flirted with a male PC or same-gender flirtation.

    If NPCs only hit on PCs who belong to players of the type the GM is interested in, and this happens often or with only one character, it starts to seem sketchy pretty quickly.

    Making it clear that players’ comfort level with various subject matter is important to you goes a long way in avoiding upsetting situations.

  6. 1) The proposed solution is actually exclusionary rather than inclusive, and thus doesn’t solve the problem it purports to solve. My wife and I play in a group, and in any group of nerds, there are going to be interesting T-shirts, buttons, belts, hats, and/or other accoutrements. Part of nerd society is commenting on one another’s attire. Excluding a female player from that social interplay simply because she’s female seems, well, exclusive.

    2) Agreed for the most part.

    3) Absolutely right. I think that sort of material should be reserved for VERY VERY close-knit private gaming groups where the player and the GM have established a relationship of trust and the player has either asked for or agreed to this being part of their character’s story.

    4) Absolutely right, and absolutely wrong all at the same time. Sexual harassment should fall under the same strictures as #3 above. However, HITTING ON and SEXUAL HARASSMENT are not the same thing, and many NPCs go to Red Dragon Inns to seek companionship. The across-the-board deletion of PCs of *female* players getting hit on is just as exclusionary as the across-the-board ban addressed in #1 above. Singling out the female player’s character for extra attention is harassment; singling out the female player’s character for zero attention is exclusionary. Finding a balance is key to good storytelling.

    5) The fact that this needs to be said out loud or typed in a public forum hurts my heart. This is absolutely correct. Comments like these aren’t even in the same ballpark as amusing or positive in any way. I know it happens, and ppl who do it need to be kicked in their special place.

    6a) Don’t *make* sex or birth control a part of the game. YES!
    6b) “Don’t mind-control her character.” You’re really asserting that, based on the gender and/or sexual identity of their player, a PC should be immune to an entire school of magic. No charm person, no suggestion, no geas, no hold person, etc etc. Because the player is female. Once again, this seems exclusionary AND unfair to the rest of the group and the GM.
    6c) “don’t put her character in situations where she’d be drunk with a male” And now we’ve closed every tavern in the Forgotten Realms. How is this not exclusionary?

    7) Totally on point.
    8) Absolutely right.
    9) Ditto.

    I appreciate where you’re coming from, and I do understand that trying to make hard and fast statements about a concept as dynamic as RESPECTFULNESS is challenging. I think you’ve done a great deal of good work in this post; I just think a few of your suggestions *sound* respectful, but are actually exclusionary and actually make it harder for the female in question to be just another player around the table.

  7. I don’t think Sean is saying you can’t compliment a woman on her awesome Groot and Rocket as Han and Chewie t-shirt. I think he’s saying you can’t compliment her on how her tight T-shirt shows off her goods. (Intentionally crude phrasing to demonstrate something not acceptable – I apologize if that offended anyone.)

    Anyways, great blog Sean. It saddens me that people need to be told this, but clearly some do. Women being more comfortable in the gaming space means more awesome gamers to game with, so everyone benefits by making sure they are as comfortable as everyone with imagining the murder of humanoid monsters and theft of their life savings.

    Oh, I guess that last part makes us all sound like bad people. :-)

  8. Nick! :)
    1) Pretty much what Jeff C said. Context matters. There’s a difference between, “Jill, that’s a cool shirt!” and “Jill, I really like your… shirt… I’m gonna stare at it for a while…”
    4) Again, context matters. If you wouldn’t roleplay an NPC at the bar hitting on a male player’s PC, don’t hit on the female player’s PC.
    6b) Again, context. It’s one thing for the enemy sorcerer to cast charm person in the middle of a battle to sideline the female player’s character, and another for the GM to single out the female player’s character for a random town event where someone charms her for the purpose of sex. As I replied to Jeffry DeArruda, above, “I meant it as, “they cast Charm Person on you, that means you treat them as a ‘trusted friend and ally,’ and that means you want to have sex with them.” Which is inappropriate.

    When dealing with someone who doesn’t get it, it is better to set up broad, firm guidelines against certain behavior, and you can revise and clarify it later with exceptions, than to try to present a nuanced, narrow, flexible guideline. Like, “don’t talk about foreigners around my grandfather, he gets very angry about it,” vs. the longer but more detailed explanation of, “grandpa fought in Europe in WW2, and he gets cranky when people say nice things about Germany or Italy… but he likes German food and Italian food, and he married a French girl, so it’s okay to talk about those foods, or to complement the French.”

    Jeff C, thanks for the response to Nick. :)

  9. What a great article. Thanks for sharing something that sadly needs to be said, and that everyone should read.

    And like you say, don’t think all female players are newbies. I was running D&D at GenCon and had a female player correct me on the rules (and she was 100% right).

    Right now, I have all male players at my weekly game, and I still don’t include rape as a storytelling angle. I’ve known too many women who have been abused either mentally, emotionally, physically, or sexually for me to want to go down that road, but that’s my choice, and as DM, I just choose not to focus on that part of the fantasy world.

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